Dr Bindumenon

A few days ago, during the Ditwa cyclone, the hospital had very few outpatients.  The weather outside was rainy, gloomy, and dark. And inside our moods matched the sky. Then one morning, as we were preparing for rounds, a sudden brightness appeared outside my window, and our mood lifted.  While entering the lift, my student said, “Ma'am, today we are going to see a rainbow.” Just then, one of my friends, in his usual philosophical tone, said, “Where is the rainbow now?  The rainbows are lost behind the skyscrapers.”  As the lift door opened and we walked out, his words stayed with me. Yes, somewhere along the way, many rainbows of our old life have faded.  The old days have quietly slipped away from our lives.  The skyscrapers have hidden the rainbows…  Newspapers have been replaced by phones…  Bookshops have been replaced by quick online orders...  Knitting and embroidery have been replaced by tapping on screens…  Handwritten letters a...

 

It was late in the afternoon when the caregiver stormed into the OPD, visibly agitated.  He raised his voice, frustrated that his father’s tremors hadn’t improved despite weeks of medication. The room became tense with his tone of voice and my staff became quiet.    I gently asked him to come inside and sit down and he did so. After couple of seconds without raising his head in a quiet tone he said “Everything is the same, nothing is helping”  He had nothing further to say no further questions.  No anger.  Just exhaustion.  Unlike this gentleman. There is this lady, a woman in her early 50s taking care of her mother with Alzheimer’s came to me, not for her mother’s treatment, but for her own migraines, sleep issues, and unexplained palpitations.  As we spoke, it became clear: she was carrying more than physical strain—she too was drowning   Just exhaustion.  As a neurologist, I have seen this pattern far too often. While we focus on th...

It was one of my regular days to work.  I was watching the crowd outside from my car. At a traffic signal, I saw a young guy on a motorcycle stream past several vehicles with such twisted precision and reach the starting point. He seemed to be in a marathon race. He was constantly racing his very nice bike and the sound resonated everywhere.  He was the centre of attraction!  As we got the green signal I could hear his bike speeding off. I know him he is an employee at my place of work. While I reach my workplace, I saw him rushing to the elevators. Well, he had just gained a couple of minutes that me!  “I don’t have the time.”   It’s a phrase we hear daily. We live in an age of rush—fast food, fast eating, fast i.e. quick naps, fast internet, fast travel, fast texting.  And hence, as we rush, we also expect our returns to come at the same speed, which hardly ever happens.  We have forgotten to live in the present by chasing the ticking of ...

It was a holiday.  However, having just returned from a ten-day break, I had some pending follow-up consultations and reports to attend to.  After lunch, at the scheduled time, I called my secretary to check if any patients had arrived. Experience had taught me that while many insist on appointments, few actually show up on holidays.  “There are just two patients, madam,” he informed me. “I’ll come now,” I replied.  “Madam, Why don’t you wait? More people might come. Why do you want to waste your time?” he suggested.  I warmed at his concern and said, “It’s not their fault that they arrived on time and followed discipline. Why punish them for being responsible?”  I reached the clinic and saw my patients. As expected, there were long intervals of waiting, but I had no complaints. I used the time productively, catching up on other work. More importantly, I had done justice to those who had honoured their time and commitment.  I chose kindness over co...

Every day feels like a test now.   My profession requires me to meet hundreds of people. Most of the time, I don’t need to know them deeply. That’s the nature of my work. I can stay in my professional space, focus on my patients, and give my best to them. I’ve immersed myself so deeply in the medical world that I understand patients and caregivers well. I can often predict what they think, how they act, and react, and what they need or expect. Well. Almost most of the time!! But this deep professional involvement came at a cost—I became a novice in my personal life. As years passed, I aged both personally and professionally but matured only professionally.   I started to understand that the rules of personal and professional relationships are entirely different. Personal relationships, especially those outside your family, often come with conditions.  They change.   They can be deceptive, sometimes intriguing, but many a time, they are heartbreaking. I’ve always trus...

When I turned 50, I reached a physical and hormonal milestone — menopause.   As far I was concerned, it was a mild physical transformation, but what jolted me was the profound….. shift in my mental and emotional space.   While I had gracefully attained my physical half-century, away from all the   risk factors that often accompany age, I realized that my mental maturity hadn’t reached its age As I embraced my physical maturity, my mind began its first baby steps. Life taught me and I had to rewrite my thoughts, perceptions, and understanding of the people in this world.   I learned Trust is fluid . Long-standing bonds that I felt would never shake crumbled in a fraction of a second. I understood that it is better to let go to embrace self-peace. Some relationships teach us life lessons   Instincts are power banks . One should listen to the inner voice even when the outer world appears contradictory. I started trusting my inner voice more now.   Set boundari...

Last night, while I was rushing home from work, I overheard a young couple arguing, their voices heavy with emotion. The woman's voice trembling was speaking through her tears “I spent my whole life sacrificing. I did not enjoy anything in my life. I have always kept your happiness as a priority, and now look at what you have done”.   “My love was unconditional, but yours was not.”  The whole staircase resonated with her words “My unconditional love” I climbed the stairs, feeling miserable for the woman who loved him so deeply.  It made me wonder—what does unconditional love truly mean?  I suppose the definition is equal to selfless love, a never-ending stream of sacrifices but without any expectation.  Is love truly unconditional if it makes someone feel depleted, unseen, and unappreciated?  Perhaps unconditional love is more nuanced. It isn’t just about giving endlessly at the cost of one’s happiness. It also means loving with a sense of completeness...

The Scripted Life  It was a crowded place   Almost everyone seemed to be talking, coughing, sneezing or in pain. I too let out a sneeze. My mother immediately wiped my face and nose and took me nearer. I dug my face into her lap.   Suddenly there was a hush and I saw people getting up. I too got up on my feet and sneezed again.   A tall man with a long white coat and a black pipe around his neck looked down while passing by and kept his hand on my head. I touched his white coat.   Soft, pure, and magical.   I asked my mother “ Who is he?” She said he is a big Doctor. He will stop you from sneezing   As a little girl, I could imagine the power in his hands .  “The Power of Healing”   I looked at the queue in front and behind me. It seemed endless on either side. My mother asked, “ Are you hungry”. I nodded. She fished out a Parle G biscuit, and I devoured it with a few sneezes in between. I peeped into the doctor’s room as the door was complet...

In my years of practising medicine, certain incidents linger in my mind.  Once, as I was rushing out of the emergency room, a family bound to me by their neurological diseases quickly approached me. They were in grief. Their son, a careful driver who followed every traffic rule, was on the operating table after a drunk driver ran into him. He was sick, and they were struggling to deal with how unfair it all seemed. They asked me, “Doctor, how could this happen to him? He did everything right.”  Their words resonated with an experience I had years ago when my daughter was in school. It was her school’s annual function, and she had a major role. The school had prohibited cameras at the event. I respected the rule and left mine at home. But when the event began, I was surprised to see most parents go very near the stage, cameras in hand, recording every moment of their children’s performances.  My daughter was amazing, and while I captured every moment in my heart, I have no...

Pregnancy is a very beautiful feeling.  When I came to know about my pregnancy, it was a heavenly feeling.  I felt her within me from the first day and In fact, I can still feel her emotions even if she is miles away. While I carried the weight of two lives, yet my needs often got overlooked. My hunger cramps and leg cramps used to compete with each other.  They were very frequently entertained by a musical note by the duty pager.  I never ate the raw mango, untimely ice creams, masala chips and all the food they usually show in the movies the pampered pregnant woman has!  While I was struggling to balance the pregnancy and workload in the solitary journey,  I turned into a stronger and more resilient woman.   And I thank you my lovely beta for being there and moulding me.  Your presence from the womb till now reminds me that even in the toughest times, I am never really alone…….

It was 10 minutes past midnight. The flight was unprecedentedly delayed by 2 hours. “ A technical hitch “ was what was told to us. We were relieved that the flight had landed smoothly without any technical issues. I was on my way to visit my daughter.  As I retrieved my luggage from the conveyor belt, troubled thoughts swirled in my mind. It’s getting late. Should I leave now, or should I stay at a nearby hotel for the night before continuing my journey? Lost in thought, I kept walking until I reached the exit. As I was about to leave, someone grabbed my suitcase and said, "Namaste, Madam. You're late to visit your daughter this time." His cheerful face was like a God-given gift.   I replied, "Yes, I have been busy," then we started. I relaxed and leaned back, ready to sleep. The journey of a woman's life is both challenging and beautiful.  Understanding the challenges that women face in their everyday lives is something that only another woman can truly un...

The grey in our decisions   This was in the summer of last year. I had a 55-year-old male patient admitted with a severe stroke. He was a government job holder with lots of stress and had hypertension. He was initially intubated and was now off that tube. He still needed two tubes: one to feed him and another to drain out his urine.  For the last seven days, we all had struggled and brought him to this present position, which was excellent by medical grading. His wife and daughter were the only family members present at his bedside.  However, despite the medical progress, in reality, the patient and his family were still struggling. The neurology team recommended rehabilitation care but the family was unable to decide. We spent a couple of days wavering on decisions between discharge or continuing hospital management The daughter asked me, "Is this the right decision to go home?  "I pondered   "There is no single right decision; each of us is right from ou...

The unspoken language of eyes  Year - 2006  Time - around 5.30 pm  Place - outside a park  Physical state – Hurriedly dashing inside the park  Mental state - Anxious  Target - Meeting my daughter  As I hurriedly entered the park, amidst children laughing, shouting, screaming and crying, I spotted my daughter sitting with her head down, trying to remove her roller skates. It was the day of the skating competition, and I had come with her but had to leave due to a medical emergency.  As a doctor, I sometimes have no choice.  She had told me, "Mama, you go, and by the time you are back, I will have won." As I approached her, my heart weighed heavy with worry, wondering whether she had. Looking at her drooped shoulders, I wondered whether she had made it to her words. I rushed towards her with a heavy heart, blaming myself for my absence.  Beta I called. She looked straight into my eyes. The victory was written in her tired eyes. She bend do...

The Language of Love It was a quiet Friday at the hospital. With most patients away celebrating the festival, I too was eager to finish my work and head home. There is a certain joy in relaxing at home, sometimes that’s a celebration to me.  The next patient I saw was an elderly lady who was accompanied by a middle-aged man. With her first step inside my room, she locked eyes with me. She always accompanied her husband, who was the patient. They have been with me for a decade. However, he wasn’t with her this time and I wondered why he hadn’t come.  As she entered inside I was unsure whether she should be steered towards the patient or the bystander chair. She did not give me time and headed straight to the patient chair.  I have a standard practice of asking how my old patients are doing when I see them. But this time, she beat me to it and asked me “How are you”? I responded by saying that I was very well and thanked her for asking. Upon hearing this she held my han...

Meeting the hero: A shift in point of view It was a Monday and my usual routine unfolded. I had graciously swung between the OPD patients, emergency patients, ward rounds, reports, missed calls, administrative calls, friendly calls, family calls, discharge cards, staff motivation, prescription doubts, google challenges, patient counselling, re-counselling, re-re- counselling, snacking, and of course breathing. My choreographed routine occasionally changed steps.  With immense satisfaction I wrapped up the day’s work. My routine had not completed though. As one of my friends  had aptly remarked, I had my second innings at the evening clinic unfolding to the days story. I was ready to leave. Just then my secretary came and said Mam, we have our regular patient on the wheel chair.  His wife had forgotten to schedule an appointment; As usual Mam”. “She insists on seeing you”, he added. Though I had mentally concluded this OPD, I readjusted my mindset, assumed my professional ...

Tension was in the air.  My white shiny shoes were a millimetre away from the 5 cm white start line on the running track. The rhythmic breathing of my fellow players further raised the tension. I was poised to listen to the gunshot which will have me heading for the 100 - meter race which I was sure to win.  Just then my concentration was shattered by my PT teacher shouting “ Bindu, tie your shoe laces properly! They are loose; you might fall”. I looked at the compact shoe with my snug foot inside. I thought they were just fine, but maybe yes, Sir was right. I tightened it. The gun shot echoed and I sprinted. I surged forward and was initially in the lead. However half way through, my feet began to ache and I couldn’t maintain the pace and finished second.  I was sad. Second was commendable but it fell short of being the best. The disappointment was not just for losing the race but because my foot was hurting so badly.  This narrative goes beyond just a race. It ref...

I wake up with a sweat at one am and I wonder  I wondered whether the patient I had admitted from the outpatient  with TIA ( layman term as mini stroke) is ok in his room. It was my first admission after I joined my neurology residency. I had come back to my room and read about TIA in detail. Patients can get a major stroke after TIA.  With this devastating information I had slumped on the bed exhausted with all medical jargon running in my dreams.  Now sitting up alert,  I wondered.  I wondered whether I had forgotten to write any medication  in the prescription chart.  I wondered if the nursing attendant has given all the injections in their due time.  I wondered whether I was too quick to leave him at the bedside and whether he had many more complaints to tell me.  I wondered whether the nurse had collected all the test reports.  I wondered if there were any abnormal test results and she had informed the ...